Divorce. Just hearing the word arouses a negative response, and going through it can bring on grief, confusion, and loneliness. According to the CDC, the divorce rate in 2021 was 2.5 per 1000 people (Marriage and Divorces), so you are definitely not alone if you are divorced. Separating takes time, but eventually, you must begin a new chapter of your life. So, imagine, the papers have been signed, you're living separately, and you have established a new routine. What now? Eventually, you may want to find your happily-ever-after mate like the fairy tales have promised. Easy, right? No! Life is not a fairy tale, and dating after a divorce can be difficult! I'm not an expert in dating, but I have learned some things over the past several years since my divorce.
First and foremost, realize that self-healing and recovery are more important than finding a partner. Divorce is a loss, like losing a loved one through death; it takes time to feel whole again. I made the mistake of jumping into relationships too soon, which only caused more heartache. Entering a relationship carrying emotional baggage from the previous one will most likely yield undesirable results. No one can fix you but you!
If you're middle-aged, like me, and have been married for several decades, using dating apps may seem awkward. The first dating site, Match.com, was launched in 1995. Still, it wasn't until the hit movie, You've Got Mail that online dating started to feel normal and certainly has its advantages. The movie gives us an optimistic view of online dating. Still, risks are involved, so educate yourself on the Pros and Cons of Online Dating, research different dating platforms, and give it a try. If you find out it's not for you, it's easy to quit.
If you're divorced, you might have learned what you don't want in a partner, but do you understand what you do want? Recently I took a quiz, What's your Love Language?, based on the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Knowing your needs is important- relationships work best when it meets the needs of both persons. A smile, stolen glance, or a compliment can ignite the flame, but compatibility in love will most likely keep the flame going strong. I've heard that second marriages can work better. Why? Because we are older, wiser, and know what we need to be satisfied.
If I could make one rule about dating, it would be don't lose yourself. Before dating, list boundaries you don't want the other person to cross. Don't waste your time on someone if they're making you uncomfortable or feel like you can't be yourself. Additionally, consider if you are giving more than receiving. This type of situation can make you feel depleted. You deserve more!
Being single has advantages; I believe taking time to be with yourself should not go unheeded. Some people want to stay single, and nothing is wrong with that. I get it! But there is also nothing wrong with seeking companionship. It is our human nature to want to be loved. Finding the right person can have a positive effect on your overall happiness. Loving someone and having it reciprocated in a way that makes you happy is worth the search!
