The first thing that comes to mind when I think of how people remember their deceased loved ones is a graveyard. The idea of graveyards came from Europe, where churchyards were used to bury the dead. This idea made its way to the United States in the 18th century. Cremation is growing in popularity because it is less costly and better for the environment. Whether paying homage in a graveyard or mausoleum or keeping the deceased's ashes, these memorials can comfort us. In addition to traditional methods, there are many ways of remembering.
Recently, I made the summerly trip to my hometown, the first summer without my mother. I shuffled into the house, exhausted from a long drive. As usual, I was busy during my stay visiting friends and family, and when the end of the week was nearing, my father asked when I would visit Mom at the cemetery. I hadn’t included it in my schedule, but it did linger on my mind. When I said, I didn't know, the expression on his face indicated it was important to him. So, I extended my stay and visited the mausoleum with my father, where her stone is placed. I hadn’t been there since she was buried eight months ago and fully expected to cry when I read her name and birth-death date, but my response was unemotional.
The moments I remember my mom are usually never planned. Earlier that week, I emptied her closet and set aside the things I wanted to keep. Her stylish wardrobe reminded me of her beauty, so I carefully sifted through her clothes, keeping the ones that fit my body and style. Being in her closet immersed me in part of who she was. Her scent still filled the space, and I felt as if she was watching me try on her clothes. Throughout the week, I sat near the Shasta daisies she planted. These beauties remind me of her happy personality. Every time I see those flowers, I feel her smiling. After the funeral this past November, I took a few of her sweatshirts. Wearing them feels like she is hugging me. This past Thanksgiving, the first without her, I made the pumpkin roll she often made for dessert. It’s these types of moments that get me emotional, both joyfully and sorrowfully.
Having a grave site or plaque with the person's name and birth-death date shows that this person did indeed walk the face of the Earth. It honors their existence. My father visits my mother’s stone often, and because it is meaningful to him, it’s important to me to go along with him when the chance arrives. But why didn’t I feel the urgency to visit Mom where she lays in her final resting place? I suppose I want to remember her not in the place where she is eternally gone but in the ways she lived.
Grief is personal. We go through the stages of grief at different rates and find comfort in different ways. Before leaving my father’s house, I dug up a few Shasta daisies to take home. While staying where she lived, I saw her all around me. Taking her daisies back to my house was like taking a piece of her with me. We will never get over losing someone, but we can put something meaningful in our lives to fill the silence left behind.
If you are looking for ways to remember your loved one, here are some useful websites to check out:
